Dear Eve,
I thought I married my best friend, instead, I walked down the aisle and into a nightmare.
I used to dream about marrying my best friend. Someone who would pamper me, understand me without needing words. Someone who would know when I was happy or hurting, who would make life feel safe and kind.
I thought I found that in my husband. He reminded me so much of my father, a truly good man. I prayed to marry someone like my dad, and when I met my husband, I believed my prayer had been answered. But what I walked into was nothing like the life I hoped for.
It wasn’t love. It was a heartbreak that kept increasing with time. These days, I cry more than I smile. I feel like giving up, but each time I tell myself not to. I say to myself, “There’s no perfect marriage,” and I try to hold on. But truthfully, it’s been hard. The pain has become a part of my everyday life.
Before I met my husband, there was someone else I was supposed to marry, but things didn’t work out between us. Then, I met my husband who made everything seem right when he came into my life. He was calm, respectful, everything I thought I needed. I believed I was marrying the right man. I was wrong.
Now, I just want to hear from others. I want to know how people heal after this kind of pain. How do you find your strength again when it feels like you’ve lost everything that made you feel alive? How do you prove to yourself that even if one person doesn’t see your worth, the world still can?
My husband and I got married both in church and traditionally. From that moment, I gave him everything. I’ve been faithful to him in every way. I’ve never cheated. Before God and man, I’ve never even entertained the thought.
But he’s been unfaithful over and over again. He’s a womanizer in the worst ways. He chases after anything in a skirt. That’s why I can’t invite friends to the house. I live in fear that he’ll embarrass me.
I don’t even keep close friends anymore. I’ve become so withdrawn. I stay indoors all the time. I’ve turned into someone I barely recognize. Right now, as I’m writing this, I’m alone in the house, scrolling through my phone, trying to avoid the kind of situation where someone visits and he ends up disgracing me.
He doesn’t come home on time. Sometimes, he comes back at midnight. Other times, he doesn’t come back at all and when he does return in the morning, he acts like nothing happened. No explanation. No apology. He treats me like I don’t matter at all. And I can’t help but feel it’s because I come from a poor family.
My father is gone, and my mother isn’t strong. I’m the second child in my family, and I’ve been going through all of this quietly because I don’t want to worry my mom. She’s already dealing with so much. So I carry all this pain alone. Every single day. And it’s exhausting.
I found out he got another woman pregnant. When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it. He just said, “I’m entitled to marry more than one woman.” Those words broke me. He didn’t even care how much they hurt.
We have a five-year-old daughter, and I’ve been hoping to have another baby. I’ve been going for checkups and doing scans on my own. The doctors even invited him to join me, but he never did.
He blames me for everything. He says I’m the reason we haven’t had another child. Then he compares me to women we know, saying they have three or four kids already. Those comparisons hurt more than anything.
When I discovered the messages between him and the other woman he got pregnant, I was very upset. He later apologized, and I hoped he’d change, especially after she lost the pregnancy. He didn’t. They’re still talking, still seeing each other, and now I don’t even know where I stand in my own marriage.
I feel like he could ask me to leave at any moment, and that scares me because if I leave, what do I do?
I’m managing a small business, just enough to take care of myself for my basic needs, but not enough to live independently financially. When I ask him for help, he says he doesn’t have money, yet I’ve seen him send money to the other woman. That betrayal is hard to live with.
I’m trying to rebuild myself, little by little. I want to know how people rise from this kind of pain. How do you find joy again? I didn’t go far in school, but I’ve always been someone who would sacrifice anything for people I care about. And because of that, people take advantage of me. My husband knows this and uses it against me.
Whenever he does something wrong, instead of apologizing, he buys me gifts. Clothes, makeup, random things. At first, I used to appreciate it. But now, I just take them and put them aside. I don’t even wear them because they remind me of how little he values me. Some of them are still brand new, untouched. I don’t want his gifts. I want his respect. I want love.
I don’t even recognize him anymore. There’s no communication between us, we barely talk to each other and when he touches me, I feel nothing. In fact, I feel irritated. I don’t love him anymore. Not after all the things he’s done. I look at him now and see a stranger. And sometimes, I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself either.
He’s still with the girl he got pregnant. I’ve stopped trying to stop him. The more I speak against it, the worse he gets. So now, I’m focusing on myself. I want to move forward. I want to grow. I want to heal. I’m tired of being sad all the time, tired of hiding how broken I feel.
He’s never laid his hands on me, but the emotional abuse is something else. He insults me, criticizes everything I do, compares me to others, and makes me feel like I’m not enough. I kept myself for marriage. He was the first man I ever knew.
So I keep wondering, why this is happening to me? Maybe because I’ve always been a quiet person, someone who stays to herself. But that shouldn’t be a reason to be treated like I’m invisible.
I stay indoors most days, barely talk to anyone. I feel irritated when he comes home. There’s no connection between us anymore. The love is gone. It died a long time ago.
I’m still trying to conceive. I still hope. I’ve never denied him anything. I do all my duties as a wife, I cook, clean, wash, take care of the house. But nothing seems to be enough for him. All he’s interested in is the women out there.
Right now, all I want is to heal. I want to stop crying every time I remember how he said he could marry another wife. I’m very emotional, and even little things weigh on my heart. So I’m asking, if there’s anyone out there who’s been through something like this, how did you heal? How did you move forward?
Because I feel like the older I get, the more I lose myself. I’ve become someone I never used to be: angry, withdrawn, always frowning, always tired. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to feel alive again. I want to smile from my heart. I want to find peace. I want to find myself again.
Because right now, my husband doesn’t see me, all he sees are the women out there. But for me, I want to be able to recognize the woman in the mirror when I look, I want to be able to smile at her.
She’s shared her story with raw honesty. Now she wants to hear from you, what would you have done? What would you tell her if she were sitting across from you right now? Your words might just be the comfort or clarity she’s looking for.
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